The Knife of Shaun Brian

-This article was previously posted on my site "The Life of Shaun Brian"-

When duty calls me, I’m prepared
As though our goals were aimed and shared.
I draw my breath in, shoulders straight,
And quietly procrastinate.

-Alison W. Birch

I have been delaying my attempt to be a writer for 20 years. When I was 16 I wrote a short, angst ridden piece for the school magazine. It was accepted and published and I experienced the thrill of seeing my words, the words I had arranged in that order, in print. I remember the various teachers, parents and pupils who congratulated me on the piece, and suddenly I began to entertain the idea that I could actually become a writer – I had visions of travelling to exotic locations, being able to live anywhere, gaining instant credibility and having my opinions and ideas quoted around diner tables across the globe, while still maintaining a level of anonymity. I clearly remember the evening that I sat down at my desk with a brand new exercise book, and a sharp HB pencil and firmly resolved that I would write at least 2000 words a day – starting tomorrow.

And so it has been for 20 years – well not quite. I actually forgot about my dream of becoming a writer until my matric English teacher told me I had some talent, and so, because I preferred writing to studying, I wrote non-stop for a few months. On reading what I wrote back then, I am convinced that my English teacher was on some serious medication, or she was playing some kind of cruel trick on me. Actually, that could be quite fun for a sadistic teacher – recommend totally unsuitable career paths for your pupils. You see this is the perfect opportunity for procrastination – I could go off and devise some hysterical stand-up routine around this teacher and the poor pupils – “yes Johnny, you are perfect to be a fighter pilot, and I am sure they would have developed a cure for 4 inch lenses by then”. But I won’t. Because I have made a commitment, I will no longer procrastinate.

There are, of course, a million more distractions than in the early days of pencil and paper – the only in-built distraction was the art of the doodle, but the PC has a never-ending array of procrastination possibilities. But I am resolute. Never again will I sit in front of my PC and say “I will now get on with my writing/taxes/finances/e-mails etc, as soon as I have set a new world record in solitaire”. It is sad, but I have actually created entire fantasies around the game of PC solitaire. I am convinced that I am the world champion, playing for a million dollars, if only I can score above 6500 points. Suddenly four hours are gone and it’s time for dinner, and that’s not procrastination, because I have to eat.

So, after dinner I attempt again to become the Kasparov of PC solitaire and eventually collapse into bed, tired, frustrated and unfulfilled. But tomorrow will be different – I will get up early and write 200 words before the sparrows fart. The reality is that at 10am I sit in front of the PC and decide that my office is a mess and I need to sort out my files – for the 10th time this month. Just as soon as I have scored a 5000 pointer.

At last here I am – actually writing, so maybe something has clicked, and perhaps I can start to work on this writing thing, and perhaps I can start doing some of the things that I really want to. While looking for the quote at the beginning of this page I found this one:

While you are postponing, life speeds by. – Seneca

And I thought that this was true and depressing – an apt description of my life – too little, too late. By the way, who is Seneca, or Alison W. Birch for that matter? I must look that up. As soon as I have scored 5000 points and won the world championship.